


When

by himchanscutiebooty



Series: When [1]
Category: B.A.P, K-pop
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Domestic Violence, M/M, Self Harm, Suicide, slight himup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-02
Updated: 2015-03-02
Packaged: 2018-03-15 22:40:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3464699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/himchanscutiebooty/pseuds/himchanscutiebooty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When did “I cut myself” stop referring to when you fell off the monkey bars and scratched yourself on the wood chips?</p><p>When did “he hit me” stop referring to the bully that constantly picked on you?</p><p>When did “I’m tired” stop referring to wanting to sleep after a long day of playing outside in the sun?</p><p>When did “I’m sorry” stop referring to when you accidentally broke a crayon?</p><p>When did “I love you” stop referring to the brotherly relationship we always shared?</p><p>When did things all fall apart?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> involves self harm, domestic violence, suicide, depression and all that jazz. If any of those things are triggering to you please do not read this, thanks.

It was hot in the conference room you and I were sitting in. Although I was adamantly paying attention to my superior’s rambling I knew you were just staring off into space thinking of something else, or someone else should I say. You would snap out of your daze every so often and would participate in the discussion some but once you put in your two-cents you were back in your own little world. 

I had already peeled off my jacket and draped it off the back of my chair and then bunched up my nice collared shirt up to my elbows, too lazy to properly roll them up. You on the other hand had also stripped down to your blue button up shirt but had rolled up your sleeves quite nicely to right below your elbow. I would glance at you so often to see if you were really paying attention and sometimes you were writing down notes in your notebook you carried around but most times you were blankly staring at the crème wall in the general direction of our boss. He didn’t notice you weren’t paying attention though because there were so many others in this small meeting room, which didn’t help with the heat.

Eventually the meeting ended and I could almost hear everyone in the room let out a sigh of relief. It was probably much colder and air conditioned in their personal office spaces so they were all dying to get back to them and continue their work.

Everyone filed out rather quickly with small goodbyes only for respect but I saw you hand a file to a fellow co-worker. Your sleeve slightly raised and if I squinted my eyes and tilted my head I could make out some red marks littering your perfect pale skin. I didn’t want to make conclusion based off of something I thought I saw but when you gathered your things your sleeve went up again and this time I knew I wasn’t hallucinating. I waited until the other man had left and you joined me to head back to our shared office space before grabbing your wrist and dragging you there. You couldn’t do this. You really couldn’t do this. Not again. Definitely not again.

You questioned what I was doing as I dragged you through rows and rows of cubicles until we reached our corner office. I pulled you inside and shut the door, locking it behind me before crossing me arms over my chest and glaring at you. You seemed confused; it only made sense if you were considering how I seemingly became mad at you out of nowhere. But I had a reason and you broke a promise to me that you made long ago. That promise was not meant to be broken. Not now, not ever. 

I motioned to your arms limply hanging by your side, “What are those?” I questioned.

You looked confused as you looked down at your arms. You held them up to me, “Arms? What are you pointing at, Yongguk?”

I marched toward you then grabbed your wrist and yanked up your sleeve so that the marks were in clear view. They were fresh, I could tell. You visibly blanched and your mouth was agape, “What are these, Himchan?” I spat, anger filling my body.

You tried to take your arm out of my hold but I was stronger and you knew that. You slid your shirt back down a little only to have me rip it up again. There was no point in hiding the evidence, I already saw it and knew what it was, “It’s nothing, Yongguk,” You muttered.

I threw your arm aside and gritted my teeth, “Nothing? Nothing?! You think that is nothing?”

You wrapped your arms around yourself as some sort of comfort. It was expected, I hadn’t gotten mad at you in awhile and if I did then it was for something stupid that could easily be solved by a ‘sorry’ and a pout on your end. “I cut myself, so what?” You mumbled, barely even loud enough for me to hear.

I scoffed and put my hands on my hips, “’So what?’ You haven’t touched a blade since we were teenagers, Himchan! You promised me that you wouldn’t do this anymore! You come to me with your problems not resorting to self-harm!” I yelled, making you feel small.

You looked down in embarrassment and shame and I was positive I saw regret flash in your eyes. You didn’t want to do it. I knew you didn’t want to do it but for some reason that seemed like the only option when you had done it. We stayed silent for a couple minutes: me trying to calm down with you awkwardly standing there, shifting on your feet waiting until I screamed at you again. But the screaming never came and you flinched when I unexpectedly wrapped my arms around you. Soon you relaxed in my hold and put your own arms around my torso. You tried to hold it in but shortly after, your tears started flowing and wouldn’t stop. 

“Was it your family?”

You shook your head on my shoulder.

“Was it financial problems?”

You shook your head again.

There could only be one other option and I knew I would regret asking it, “Was it Jongup?”

You hesitated but eventually slowly nodded your headed and cried harder into my shoulder. I sighed and brought you closer and brought my hand up to your head, stroking your soft hair in between my fingers. I tried to get you to calm down but it seemed to be a bigger problem this time and I wasn’t sure that I would be able to fix it. 

That was unless you did what I had wanted you to do the moment you and Jongup had met but we both knew that that wasn’t going to happen.


	2. two

This was common: you showing up at my door at an ungodly hour in the late night or early morning. It was so common that I was almost used to having a warm body next to me on my large bed and not the cold empty space that should be there. It was so common that you had your own drawer in my dresser filled with a suit and casual clothes. It was so common that you had your own toothbrush and razor here. It was so common and the thing was, that it scared me.

You only showed up to my house with either a large amount of alcohol in your system or none at all but had a case of beer or bottle of vodka by your side. You rarely ever came to my house sober and it worried me. Not because I thought you were an alcoholic or because I thought you would kill yourself on the way over to my apartment (although that was always a concern of mine). But no, it was because you came to my house in hopes of finding refuge. 

It was sad that you couldn’t even find comfort in your own home. You had to come to mine just to find a piece of mind. It was all because of Jongup. I never understood why you were still with him. He treated you like shit and the times that he did show you affection were slim. You would think that he’d leave instead of you considering it was your apartment. You signed the contract and you paid the bills. It wasn’t in any way his. 

So at 2 AM when I heard a banging on my door I didn’t even think twice before rushing to the door, not even bothering to put on a shirt. I expected to find you stumbling and slurring your words so I was taken aback when you shoved the door open as soon as I unlocked it and threw yourself on top of me. 

Lucky for both of us, you’re light or else we would have toppled to the floor. You had your arms latched around my neck and your face buried into my neck, muffled sobs racking your body. I was shocked and confused and worried because this has never happened before. I’d rather have you drunk than crying.

I wrapped my arms around your body and rubbed soothing circles on you back. I kept telling you to calm down so you could tell me what happened and after about ten minutes of just standing in the entry way of my apartment your sobs had calmed and you were just sniffling.

You kept your head down and I led you over to the couch, guiding you with my hand on your lower back to which you flinched at the touch. I gave you a curious glance, one you didn’t see because you still hadn’t looked at me. You sat down on the couch and your hands seemed very interesting to you.

“Channie. You need to tell me what’s wrong.” I said softly, not wanting to startle you. You seemed so frail and fragile I was afraid if I were too loud that you would shatter.

You sniffled before muttering something I couldn’t hear. “I’m sorry?” I questioned.

You finally looked up at me and it pained me to see your tear stricken face. Your eyes were red and puffy and you looked so tired and worn out. I hated seeing you like this, I really hated it. “I said that he hit me,” You mumbled louder so I could hear.

My eyes grew to the size of saucers and my worry level shot through the roof, “Oh my god, Himchan. Are you all right? You don’t look bruised anywhere…” I started fretting over you, afraid to touch you in any place that he may have hit. But as my worry grew so did my anger. How could he? How could he hit such a beautiful and fragile creature such as you? How could he taint your wonderfully pale skin? How could he bear to hear the shrieks and pleas of help pouring from your lips?

“He hit me on my stomach and back so they’re not visible if I wear a shirt.” You muttered, once again staring at your hands as you played with your fingers. 

I sighed and lifted your face to look at me. I caressed your cheekbone with my thumb and smiled softly. “I will make things okay, Channie. I will do everything in power that I can.” At that, you started crying again but I don’t even think you realized it because you did nothing to wipe away the tears.

Without saying anything I gently pulled you up and started to unbutton your shirt. You gave me a curious look but didn’t say anything. When I got down to the last button I almost wanted to start crying at the sight of the blue and purple marks littering your skin. I slipped the fabric off your shoulders and let it drop to the ground. I turned you around to inspect your back and ran my fingers gingerly along a long red mark that was placed in the middle of your back. You flinched slightly when I touched the tender skin but that was only expected. You must have fell along a table or something sharp to get this. 

I picked up your dress shirt and I finally noticed that you hadn’t changed out of your work clothes from today. I grabbed your wrist and dragged you to bathroom, sitting you down on the toilet before rummaging through the medicine cabinet and other drawers looking for rubbing alcohol and Neosporin. I couldn’t do anything about the bruises other than ice them but I could at least clean up the cut you had on your back.

I figure this would be a pretty silent night. There was nothing I could do or say to make it better no matter how many soothing words I whispered into your ear. And you didn’t want to say anything, too hurt and confused to voice your mind.

You turned your back to me so I could cautiously dab the rubbing alcohol over the red mark. You hissed at the burning sensation and I whispered a small “sorry”. When I was finished I carefully rubbed Neosporin over the wound and I was startled when you started speaking.

“I was worried, you know? He always comes home an hour after I do. But soon an hour turned into two and three and I started getting really worried. What if something happened to him? I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. I kept calling and texting him and even called one of his co-workers and they said he left at his normal time. But I figured if he came home he would yell at me if I didn’t eat and there was no food for him so I made him dinner and put in the fridge for when he came home. He finally showed up at almost one in the morning. I had stayed on the couch, refusing to go to bed and I was watching TV when he walked in. I told him I was worried about him but he seemed really mad so I stopped talking when he started yelling at me.” You paused, taking a deep breath before continuing. I had finished patching up your back so now I was just sitting behind you and listening, I didn’t want to interrupt. “I don’t even know what he was yelling at me about but he eventually pushed me. He kept pushing me until I fell to the ground but I hit the coffee table before the ground. He got on top of me and then started punching me and he wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I yelled. He eventually grew tired and got off of me but I was in no state to move. I was crying and he called me a whore and pathetic and said how I wasn’t man enough to ‘take a couple of hits’. He went to the bedroom and I was lying on the floor for probably half and hour before I got up and came here… I don’t know what I did wrong, Guk. I- I just don’t understand…” 

I turned you around and you had started crying again. I cradled you in my arms let you cry into my bare chest until it seemed you had tired yourself out. You’re breathing was calm and even and it seemed you had fallen asleep. I chuckled at your cuteness despite the situation and carried you to the bedroom. I took off your dress pants so you wouldn’t ruin them and left you in your boxers and ankle socks. I tucked you in just like a child and ran my fingers through your hair.

I noticed that you hadn’t said Jongup’s name the whole night.


	3. three

It was another normal Saturday. Well, as normal as a day could get around here. You had stayed the night after Jongup started hounding on you for something trivial and surprisingly showed up at my house at 11 o’clock rather than 3 AM and you were sober. I had a gut feeling that you weren’t telling me something and Jongup being a whiney bitch wasn’t the only reason you came over today. 

I was happy to see the bruises had healed nicely and there were only a couple yellow discolorations on your chest where he had hit harder. The scratch mark on your back had faded, still evident, but it would go away eventually. The cuts on your forearms had long healed but small white scars remained and I wasn’t entirely too sure if they would stay or eventually go away. I wasn’t an EMT; I didn’t know everything medical.

Since we didn’t have work today, and even if we did you would probably convince me to call in sick so we both wouldn’t have to go, we spent the day lolling about my apartment. We walked around in sweat pants and t-shirts, our hair not styled in the slightest and it was a nice contrast to having to look perfect everyday for our superiors. Even if you looked devilishly handsome in a suit I would have to say, nothing beats the beauty of you in lounge clothes. 

We made do with what little I had in my apartment for lunch, usually we would have gone out or ordered in but you refused and said we could just salvage for scraps. I didn’t mind; although I’d rather you have a proper meal than just some of my leftovers from a couple nights ago. I never had time to cook and I was never good at it anyway. The only time I got a home-cooked meal was if you came over to do it for me or I was visiting my parents. Both rarely happened but it was a nice change when it did.

Now, we were just lying on the couch, mindlessly watching TV. We hadn’t said much to each other all day. It wasn’t like the normal Saturdays that we spent together. It wasn’t filled with stupid jokes and loud laughter. The room never brightened with your bunny smile only because you hadn’t shown it at all today. You seemed so solemn and downtrodden. I didn’t like it. I wanted to see your beautiful smile and I wanted to hear your obnoxious laughter. I wanted to see you eyes crinkle and form crescents when I made you laugh. I just wanted to see you happy. I don’t think I’ve seen you genuinely happy in such a long time.

You were lying on the couch, your head in my lap as I was sitting upright. You were faced away from me so you could see the television but I doubted you were really watching it. I ran my fingers in your hair to hopefully calm your tense nerves and it seemed to work for a while until you let out a heavy sigh. 

“I’m tired.” You told me. I glanced at the clock; it was only 3 in the afternoon so we couldn’t really go to sleep just yet.

I looked down at you, your gaze fixated on the stupid American movie we were watching. “Okay, you can take a nap here if you want. Or you could go to the bed and I could join you if you wanted?” I asked you, giving you a list of options. 

You sighed again and sat up slowly, your arms draped across your knees, “That’s not what I meant, Yongguk.” 

“Then what did you mean?” I knew what you meant; I just wanted to hear you say it. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t just assuming bad things.

Turns out, I wasn’t assuming. “I just… I’m tired of life, Guk. I’m 28 years old and I’m tired of life.” You laughed but it was cold and empty. It wasn’t the laugh I wanted to hear. “I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I can’t even stay in my own home for a week without being emotionally abused…” You covered your face with your hands, hoping it would shield you from the world.

“You do realize the root of your problems, right?” I asked tentatively, knowing you would get mad if I said the wrong thing on this somewhat touchy subject. 

“What do you want me to do, Yongguk?” You suddenly lashed out at me, looking at me in the eyes for the first time today. Your face seemed even more worn out than before and your once sparkling eyes were dull and lifeless. I was scared and worried. No, I was more than scared. I was petrified. Petrified that this was probably not even close to how low you would go.

“I can’t leave him! You’ve seen what he’s done to me and he won’t hesitate to do it again. Plus… I wouldn’t know what to do without him. He’s too big a part of my life to just let go and forget. He may have done some wrong things but I still love him no matter what.” Your voice grew softer the longer you continued to speak and I was afraid that the tears would start to fall whether you wanted them to or not. 

“Channie…”

“I’m tired…just- tired.” You stood up and ran a hand through your hair. You were done with this conversation and there was no way I was going to push your limits and there was no way you would let me. “I’m going to bed. Wake me if you make dinner and… you can join me if you want. I mean, it’s your house, I can’t really stop you.” You mumbled the last part before walking away to the bedroom, closing the door until there was an inch of space left between it and the doorframe. 

I sat back on the couch. I didn’t join you in bed no matter how much I wanted to. No matter how much you needed comfort right now, I also knew you needed some space. I didn’t make dinner that night no matter how much my stomach protested against its lack of food. I just sat on the couch; the TV had long ago been turned off and I eventually fell into a dreamless sleep.

I was worried. So, so worried.


	4. four

We were lying in bed, facing each other but not looking in each other’s eyes. You were playing with my fingers again, a habit you took to doing recently and although you did it when you wanted to say something but couldn’t I found it cute. But you had been playing with my hand for the past half hour so I figured whatever you wanted to tell me must have been hard to say. I didn’t question you and I didn’t push you. When you were ready you could tell me, I never wanted to put pressure on you.

I nuzzled my face into your hair and you did the same into my chest. I drew random patterns on the wide expanse of you back when I realized that your tense nerves weren’t going away. Not until you got off whatever was on your mind.

“Hey, Guk?” You whispered, your breath tickling my bare chest.

“Hmm?” I hummed into your hair to alert you that I was listening.

You took another minute or so until you laced our fingers together and told me, “I’m sorry.”

I was strolling the halls after my game, heading toward my locker on the other side of the gym. I had forgotten one of my textbooks so I needed to go retrieve it before I went home. It was late, around 6:30, so there was next to no one in the building except for some custodians or other students who had come to watch our game or my other teammates who most likely fled the school shortly after the game ended, wanting to shower and get their extensive amount of homework done.

I smiled politely when I passed a nice custodian and headed up the staircase nearest me. I continued down the hallway, my locker in sight but jumped when I heard what seemed to sound like a desk or chair being thrown across a classroom. Figuring it was some underclassmen fooling around after hours I went into the room I heard the noise from to tell the kids to go home.

I opened the door and yelled, “You kids should really be heading-,” but stopped in my tracks at the scene before me.

There you were, kneeling on the ground in front of some bastard, your button-down shirt and blazer were half off your body and your tie was used to keep your hands behind your back. Some kid’s dick was shoved in your mouth, your head being held in place by a tight grip on your hair and there were tears streaming down you face as you were forced to give head to the boy before you.

The three kids in the room snapped their heads up when they heard me enter the room, averting their eyes from their prey. The leader of the group who was standing in front of you now ripped his dick out of your mouth and shoved it back in his pants, throwing you to the side by your hair. You yelped and hit the ground, unable to move anywhere.

“Hey,” the leader turned to one of his lackeys, “I told you to watch the fucking door, you idiot!” The one being yelled at winced slightly at the tone of voice and cowered behind the last boy when he saw the look in my eyes.

I was furious. I was seething. My blood was boiling and I’m pretty sure that if looks could kill then they would have died the second I walked into the room. I slowly walked toward the boys in the back of the room, my fists clenching and unclenching. These kids weren’t getting out of here unscathed.

I turned my attention to you, fear wracking your body. I went over to you and untied your hands. I looked at you, my face serious, “Get out of here, Himchan.” I told you through gritted teeth and stood up.

“B-but, Guk…” You mumbled in an attempt to stop me from murdering the three boys in front of me. I didn’t care if you didn’t want them hurt. They violated you and did things they should never even have thought of doing to you. I was going to make sure they would be afraid if I were in a five-foot radius of them.

“I said get out!” You were startled by my outburst but soon clambered off the floor and ran out of the room. I could hear the heavy door of the bathroom slam close behind you in the hallway.

I couldn’t even remember what happened after that, my rage blinding my actions and all reason was thrown out the window. But within ten minutes I had the three underclassmen beaten to a bloody pulp, lying defenseless on the classroom floor. I went over to the leader, or what I assumed to be the leader considering their faces were almost unrecognizable with all the bruising and blood. I grabbed him by the hair and pulled him up so he was awkwardly sitting up. He whimpered at the pain but I didn’t care, he deserved everything he got.

“Now you listen to me,” I growled, “You are not going to touch him ever again. You are not going to look at him, you are not even going to have another thought about him, do you understand?” When I didn’t get a response I yanked on the boy’s hair harder, “I said, do you understand?!”

“Y-yes! I underst-stand!” He stuttered. Satisfied with the response I got I threw him back on the floor.

“Now get up and leave before the custodian comes and finds you.” I walked out of the room without another glance at the trio and headed straight for the bathroom. 

I cringed at the disgusting smell and made my way to the third stall where I found you on the dirty ground, crying into your knees, the contents of your stomach poured out into the toilet. My expression immediately softened. 

“Channie?” I called quietly.

You sniffled and looked up at me and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so broken. I kneeled down on the floor right in front of you and wrapped my arms around your frail body. You immediately responded by enveloping your own arms around my neck, crying into my shoulder. I tried calming you by rubbing comforting circles on your back and threaded my fingers through your hair but I never told you to stop crying. I let you pour it all out. You had just been through something traumatizing. You needed to have a good cry and I wasn’t going to deprive you of that. 

“I’m sorry…I’m sorry, Yongguk, I’m sorry…” You whispered into my neck after you had calmed down a little.

I shushed you, “You have nothing to be sorry for, Channie. None of this was your fault.” 

“I’m sorry…I’m so, so sorry…” You kept repeating it like a mantra. I kept shushing you and telling you it wasn’t your fault and eventually you stopped but only because you had tired yourself out. It was an emotional day for you so I wouldn’t blame you.

“C’mon, let’s get you home.” I said and you nodded weakly before I helped you stand up.

I buttoned your shirt back up and didn’t fail to notice the red marks littering your chest. What I walked in on was bad but I didn’t even want to know what else they had done to you. I was lucky enough that I came before they had gotten into your pants. I fixed your blazer and grabbed your hand so I could lead you out of the school. You followed behind me, walking slowly and stumbling a couple times but eventually we were standing in the front of the school. I left my bag in my locker and so did you but homework was the least of our problems right now. I crouched down and motioned you to hop on my back. 

“But I’m heavy…” You mumbled. 

I scoffed, “Please, Himchan. You way as much as a feather.”

You took another couple of seconds before wrapping your arms around my neck and placing your head on my shoulder. I blushed when I felt your hot breath against my neck and ear but grabbed onto your thighs and hauled you up nonetheless.

Within two minutes you were sleeping soundly on my back, soft mewls coming from your lips and I smiled. How could you look so innocent and be so cute after what you just went through?

I shuddered at the memory of that fateful day and brought you closer to my body, “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“Yes, I do. I’m always coming to you with my problems. I’m such a burden to you.” You mumbled.

I looked down at you, “Channie, you are not a burden to me. I want to help you and you know that. All I want is to see you smile.” I smiled softly although you couldn’t see it.

“Hmm…” You hummed and I could tell you didn’t believe my answer. You didn’t respond and soon you were fast asleep.

How many times had you fallen asleep in my arms?


	5. five

When was it that I gave my heart to you? 

Was it when we were children and you would give me some of your meat at dinner time because I had finished mine and wanted more and I thanked you later by letting you play your favorite video game?

Was it when you covered for me because I would always show up late to class and even if you said I didn’t have to do anything to make up for it you loved it when I bought you lunch or other small trinkets?

Was it when I found out you were getting bullied and I promised to protect you and that was the first time you cried into my shoulder?

Was it the time that you sat outside my house until 3 AM so you could apologize after we had a stupid argument and I refused to see you until I realized that you weren’t going to leave?

Was it the time when you had fallen asleep in my lap when we were having a movie marathon together and you looked so peaceful I didn’t have the heart to wake you or try and move you to the bedroom?

Was it the time when you were waiting for me in the rain in your red scarf and matching umbrella, your existence being the only thing bright on that dreary day?

Or was it the time when you accepted Jongup’s proposition and I realized that you would never be mine?

Maybe it was when I first laid my eyes on you. Maybe that’s when I had involuntarily given my heart to you.

And now I feel like an idiot. I had almost twenty years to tell you how I felt. To tell you how much you meant to me. To tell you that I couldn’t live without you in my life. 

And I feel even more like an idiot because all it took was someone to take you away from me to realize how big a part of my life you were. And when that person took you away, he really took you away.

I was devastated. Heartbroken. All I wanted to do was go up to you and confess my undying love to you and hope you would respond back positively and we would live happily ever after. But sadly, that’s not what happened. That’s not how life works. Life isn’t handed to you on a silver platter. There are always ups and downs and to me this was a down. To you it was an up that later turned into a down.

I think he realizes now the consequences of his actions. What he did to you was wrong. It was so terribly wrong and I have no idea how he didn’t realize it sooner. You could have been happy. You could have been genuinely happy. But you weren’t. You weren’t even close to being happy. You were spiraling down a path of depression and there was nothing I could do. I tried. I really tried. But nothing worked. Nothing helped. Although I’m more than sure if you left that asshole then things wouldn’t have happened the way they did. 

So then isn’t this in a way your fault? You didn’t listen to me. You didn’t listen to me when I gave you all the good advice. I was the voice of reason and you ignored me. You said you couldn’t live without him. I’m pretty sure that if you spent a week away from him you wouldn’t miss him a single bit. Plus you’d have me. What was I to you then? Couldn’t I make up for not having him? Wasn’t I better than him? Wasn’t I more comforting? More loving? I gave you all of my undivided attention while he treated you like dog shit. Why couldn’t you see I was the better choice?

But then again, I shouldn’t be blaming the victim right? You were blinded by love and you couldn’t see the wrong he was doing. Well, you did understand the wrong but you didn’t see the reason. I could understand that to a point.

Do you know what day it is today? It’s your birthday: April 19th. Do you know how old you would be this year? You would be 34. I turned 34 a couple weeks ago. It was lonely but you must be even lonelier right?

It was two years ago that you decided to take your life. I have lived two year without you. Do you know how hard that is? I’ve been with you since we were toddlers. I could barely go two days without seeing you but going two years…it’s a struggle. 

Do you realize all the people you broke when you made this unforgivable decision? You broke me. You broke Jongup. You broke your parents. You broke your friends. You broke your co-workers. You broke everyone you were associated with. But most of all you broke yourself. But then again you were already broken weren’t you?

I sighed and let my fingers drag along the engraving of your name. I miss you. I miss you a lot. Do you know how hard it was to get myself up in the morning and go to work and not see you in the desk across from me? Do you know how hard it was for me when I stayed up all night expecting you to come banging on my door? Do you know how hard it was for me to realize you were never coming back? You were never going to sleep in the same bed as me. You were never going to smile or laugh again. You were never going to fall asleep in my arms. You were never going to show up at my house drunk and cry yourself to sleep over something Jongup did to upset you.

None of that was happening ever again. But the worst part was; I never got to tell you how I feel. I never got to tell you how much you meant to me. I chuckled softly. I was just repeating myself now, wasn’t I?

I sighed dejectedly and let the tears fall down my cheeks. I traced the outline of your name and the corners of my lips lifted slightly. I hadn’t smiled since you left. Not a real smile anyway. You were the only one capable of making me smile. “Happy birthday, Channie.” As I finished off with the last letter of your name I broke down into sobs.

“I love you.”


End file.
